Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
