Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
