I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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