I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
