and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
