Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize