He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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