Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
