i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
