hotel room ftw
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
