making cat noises will not fix the situation.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
