Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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