I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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