Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
