I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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