there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
