Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
