Say something about gay babies.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
