Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
