I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i dont even know how to be here
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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