it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
