If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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