just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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