Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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