Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
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