Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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