Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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