you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Randomize
