I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
