Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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