I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
