i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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