I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
