So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
