U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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