I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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