I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My ass is underappreciated
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
