Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize