Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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