You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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