Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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