I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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