You smell like a Billy Joel song
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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