my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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