I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
