frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
