dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
