Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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