no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
