I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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