So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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