it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
