Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
