Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize