went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
