I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
