it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
