He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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