Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
